I am really not sure how to start this, i just know i should.
For the last 3 months I have been in a self imposed exile, far removed from all of you as I dealt with the loss of my son.
The darkness that I let envelop me was lonely, it tore at my soul, and it truly broke me to the point that I, myself, asked God to allow me to join my son. He would not allow it, and I couldnt understand why.
I had so many of you reach out to me with your love, your words, your empathy, and yes, I read every message, and tried to draw strength from all of you, but, to be truly honest, all I could feel was my grief.
As days turned to weeks, all I could think was how I abandoned all of you. I watched as many of my students and clients were trying to navigate through situations that I should have been there for. I watched members of my groups ask questions that went unanswered. And truly, i wanted to give up. Walk away, and thats as honest and raw as I can be.
I know darkness. I know the times were nothing seems to matter except what we feel at that moment. We feel that we dont matter, that we dont make a difference. But I am also here to say, that we do.
In the moment that I asked God to let me join my son, that I begged him to take me, the Shaman I was with, who couldnt hear my prayer looked at me, touched my shoulder and told me that God said “No”, that I had too much left to do. That self pity is not the way to fly among the heavens because it would prevent my soul from soaring amongst the clouds. How freaky is that.
But truth be told, I was afraid to come back to all of you. I was afraid of the reception I would receive because I was gone so long. I am still afraid even now.
I feel at this moment that I have lost your trust. Its been a hard road. I have fallen, but I learned to get back up. And that is the message I am giving to you.
No matter where you are, no matter how dark you think life is, there is always light. No matter how alone you may feel, I am here, stronger than ever, I will lift you up. No matter what others may say, I am here to tell you that you are perfect the way you are. And fall as many times as you need to, because I will always be there to lift you up, brush you off, and encourage you to take one more step.
Love and Light,